Vodka: The Master Class

Time to Get Schooled

 

Ring the bell, suckas’. The school of Vodka is now in session.

 

But first, some classroom rules:

1) Bring a number 2 pencil, a notebook and your tumbler to class every day.

2) Energy drinks will be strictly prohibited as a mixer. After all, you’re not some naive, booze-guzzling freshman. 

 

Because if you think Vodka is some tasteless, odorless hooch confined to Solo cups filled with syrupy sweet juices and energy drinks… well. We’ve got our work cut out for us. So take out a pen and paper — it’s time to get schooled.

 

Vodka is one of the best-selling Spirits in the world and yet, there are so many questions surrounding: is it made from potatoes? How ‘bout  wheat? Perhaps corn? Did a narwhal piss it into existence? (Yes, yes, yes, and not that we’re aware of.) 

 

Unlike other Spirits, Vodka can be made anywhere in the world. Most use fermented grains (like sorghum, corn, rice, rye or wheat), but you’ll also find potatoes, grapes and other fruits thrown into the mix. And just like with any good Whisky or Rum, you can almost always smell and taste the source. So that whole notion about Vodka being completely odorless and tasteless? It’s total bunk.

 

Case in point: Aivy Blue Triple Grain Vodka, made from three grains (barley, wheat, and rye) with a light rye spice notes and a fruity flavor. Or The Stillery’s First dinkelwheat (a.k.a. spelt) Vodka, a rich malty number with sweet hints of marzipan and white chocolate. Still need proof? Kabumm Vodka’s winter wheat and hullness oats throw another taste experience into the ring with a slightly fruity and exotic flavor.

 

The time has come to put your newfound knowledge to the test. No need to cram for this one. Put your pencils down, crack open the Tasting Box and remember: no looking at your neighbor’s paper.

 

Bottoms up!

 

Smartass Corner:

 

1) Vodka can cure what ails ya. It’s been shown to disinfect a toothache and ward off poison ivy by washing away its itchy culprit: urushiol oil. 

 

2) Unlike its boozy brethren Bourbon and Scotch, Vodka can be made anywhere in the world. But it’s Eastern Europe that gets the credit for its birth. Just don’t ask Russia and Poland to get to the bottom of it—both argue that they masterminded the spirit first.

 

3) You say "poh-tay-toe," I say "poh-tah-toe," but the truth is, most Vodka isn’t made from your favorite starchy veg. Modern Vodka is usually grain-based. But don’t worry keto freaks — it’s still 0 carbs. 

 

4) Old Spice not doing it for you anymore? Alright-y then, Picky Paul. Why don’t make your own using… Vodka? You can find a few recipes online using bay leaves and different spices as fragrance enhancers. 

 

5) Like Bourbon or Scotch, Vodka can be "corrected." Distillers can soften some of that harsh mouth feel by finishing the juice with active charcoal and additives like sugar, glycerin or citric acid.  

 

6) Step aside, smoothies. Vodka’s muscling in rank as the hottest health juice around. According to a study by Professional Heart Daily, Vodka can increase blood flow to the heart and help HDL — that’s the good cholesterol — levels.

 

7) Voda, voda, everywhere. Yep, Vodka is taken from the Slavic word for water: "voda." Just don’t get the two confused post-workout.